Thursday, July 2, 2009

What the hell is wrong with me?

Last night, I committed a horrible and unconscionable act. Something I regret woefully. Yes, I watched Transformers: Revenge of the Falllen.

Why do I do this kind of thing to myself. After seeing the trailer, I already knew it was going to be utter crap, and had no desire to see it... but then the reviews started pouring in. And. They. Are. Scathing.

Now, a normal person would read things like "Transformers 2 has a shot at the title Worst Movie of the Decade," and they'd think to themselves, "huh, guess I'll avoid that one for sure!"

But me? No. I think "Hmmm... Now I NEED to see it." I have a track record with this kind of thing. It's why I watched Twilight. It's why I saw (and blogged about) Expelled: there are bad movies, and there are fiascoes. And I can't help myself with fiascoes.

Let it be known: Transformers 2 is a fiasco.

First off: it's a sloppy movie. Early on -- when the Autobots (the good guys) are tracking down and brutally murdering what is left of the Decepticons, who are now hiding and scattered in diaspora -- there are three motorcycle transformers called the "Arcee Twins." Yep. That's some good math. We don't see them again until the final battle, when one of them, now just called "Arcee" reappears. So, are there one, two, or three Arcees?

Ah, but I'm nitpicking. There is so much wrong with this travesty of a film. And it goes far beyond bad math (though there's more of that, too, as others have noted: At one point, a naval officer detects five Decepticons headed to the ocean floor. There, one of them becomes spare parts to fix Megatron. When the remaining four plus Megatron resurface (note: 5 - 1 + 1 = 5), the naval officer annouces that SIX targets are coming up! Ominous!).

There's been a fair amount of criticism af Skidz and Mudflap, two new robots designed to be the comic relief, and clear racist stereotypes. One of them has a gold tooth, and they don't know how to read, cuz dey's from da inna city. Honestly, I'd not have been surprised if they ended up eating fried chicken and watermelon. Jesus Christ.

And what about female characters? Let's review all of them:

First, there's Mikaela, Megan Fox's character. She is an even flatter, shallower character than she was in a the first film, and that's saying something. Everyone in the film, INCLUDING FREAKING ROBOTS is constantly remarking on how hot she is. Hot hot hot. One Joe Pesci-ish robot even humps her leg for laughs, such is her irresistable charm. She has two roles here: be hot, and be a good girlfriend.

Next up: the Arcee "Twins." These are robots, but they are clearly female in that they have skinny hips and boobs. They are in the movie for maybe 30 seconds, and the filmmakers can't even keep straight how many of them there are. For 30 freaking seconds.

Alice: I think that was her name. She's the hot hot hot seductress on campus, secretly a robot the Decepticons enrolled into Sam's college, just in case Sam ended up being important again (Surprise! He did!). As this awesome "Transformers 2 FAQ" put it: "
The slut-bot made out with [Sam] for a little bit then immediately tried to kill him, neither for any apparent motive or gain."

Then finally: Sam's mom. She buys a magic brownie at Sam's college, which has a picture of a marijuana leaf on it, and which everyone in the room warns her is a pot brownie. She is sure the green leaf just means all-natural, or something, and she downs the thing. Because she is daft, apparently.

And that's it That's every female role in the film. Other than that, the movie is a scrotum-fest. And unfortunately, I'm not being facetious: one of the giant robots has a huge pair of testicles made of wrecking balls. I imagine that John Turturro must have been rethinking his career choice when he was uttering this line from the film:
I am standing directly beneath the enemy's scrotum.

I can't really bring myself to say much more about this film, but I HIGHLY encourage you too read this hilarious Transformers 2 FAQ. Here's a taste:
Transformers don't teleport.
Jetfire does.

But -- wait a second, he's a fucking jet. He could fly everybody to Egypt, right? And that would make perfect sense for both the character and the franchise!
Well, I guess so. But he chooses not to. The point is Jetfire teleports them all to Egypt where he explains that there used to be 7 or 8 Primes, and they traveled around the galaxy blowing up suns for energon. But they never did it on planets with life.
Well, they had set the machine up on Earth and not noticed all the life running around, and one of the Primes just said fuck it, let's do it anyways. This was evil, so they called that Prime the Fallen and beat the shit out of him although he escaped.

Why would a robot need to fart, pee, or vomit? And why would it need testicles?

Michael Bay does not understand what a robot is.

I am already incredibly sick of this movie, and I'm just typing questions about it. Sam resurrects Optimus, Optimus kills the Fallen, end of story, right?
Pretty close. Sam dies, though.

Yeah, for a little while. But then the Transformers in heaven send him back because he still has work to do.

Fuck you.
I'm serious.

Fuck you. There's no way.
It's true. The 6-7 Primes are there in the clouds like Mufasa's head in The Lion King, and tell Sam he's awesome and he needs to live again so he can bring Optimus back to life.


FilthyGrandeur said...

" She's the hot hot hot seductress on campus, secretly a robot the Decepticons enrolled into Sam's college, just in case Sam ended up being important again (Surprise! He did!)."

best thing ever!

i swear i was dragged kicking and screaming to this movie...(oh, and thanks for the link).

GreenishBlue said...

Heheh... Honestly your review was one of those that pushed me over the edge into seeing this giant piece of crap. Do you see what you have wrought?

I rather enjoyed your review as well. :)

FilthyGrandeur said...

lol. well, i'm glad you find my review influential--however sort of hoped it would be a deterrent. oh well, at least now no one can tell you you can't criticize something that you haven't seen. still there were a number of things i would have rather done than see that shit-fest--as in ANYthing else.

Alex G said...

I was *this* close to going to see this when my brothers and uncle went last weekend. Now, as a person who can't resist watching crappy movies, I can't decide whether or not I regret not going.